How to become an optimist
a step-by-step guide from a natural-born cynic
My proudest achievement of the past year was becoming an optimist.
Wait — before I go any further, I have to warn you that this is going to be corny as hell. Proceed with caution.
I was never a straight-up pessimistic person, per se. If you were to have placed me on the perspective spectrum, I’d definitely have been left of center.
I knew deep down I was a negative-leaning person, but I also felt guilty and self-conscious about it. Surely people wouldn’t want to be around me if they knew the annoyingly persistent voice in my mind was none other than Ms. Debbie Downer.
But here’s the thing, and I’m SO sorry to use this word, but I’m also painfully authentic. It’s a running joke in my family that I have the world’s worst poker face, and the best backhanded compliment I’ve ever received is “you’re just so honest.” So try as hard as I might, I was in no part able to shove down the cynical urges.
Perhaps this sounds a lot like, I don’t know, major depressive disorder to you? Well you, my amateur psychiatrist friend, would be correct. But even with the wonderful blend of anti-depressants bouncing around my bloodstream, I still didn’t have that… joie de vivre programmed inside me. Until I manually changed it.
I didn’t just decide to think positively out of nowhere, that would be insane. This perspective shift required a massive career change, some health stuff, and just generally getting fed up with my own shit to open up my mind enough to ignite some change.
Don’t get me wrong, I still say a lot of things that could be confused for a Fran Lebowitz quote. I didn’t overhaul my whole personality — that would be way too impressive. But I did make substantial changes in the way I see the world, and myself for that matter, without erasing all of my New Yorkerisms that make me who I am. I’m now a lot happier and I see the best in *most* people.
Alas, here is a step-by-step guide to rewiring your brain for the better, based solely on my own, unprofessional experience.
Intellectualize your way into belief
Not to flex, but my therapist says I’m really good at over-intellectualizing things. The thinking-too-much to major-depressive-disorder pipeline is a tale as old as time, so *life hack* I figured out how to use my powers for good.
I’ve done my fair share of Blue Zones research (before there was a Netflix doc, if you could believe), so I know a thing or two about the healthiest people in the world, according to a white man’s perspective on it at least. The most interesting takeaway to me, a non-religious person, was the direct correlation between belief in a higher power and happiness levels.
So I said, why the hell not! I could believe in God! Or at least, “the universe” felt like a great way to dip my toe into the spirituality waters. I started listening to Oprah and watching a lot of inspirational YouTube videos (I’m watching myself write this from a third party perspective and I’m wincing) and well, it works, folks.
I literally logic-ed my way into believing that “everything happens for a reason”1 and you know what? I’m pretty proud of it. It hasn’t led me wrong, yet.
Replace judgment with curiosity
Buddha alert: I believe that our negative outlook on the world stems from negative thoughts about ourselves. However, the single most irritating piece of advice is “speak nicely to yourself.” OK??? That’s not that easy? Where are the actionable next steps?
You’re not going to eradicate the nasty self-talk overnight, so when it inevitably comes back, the first step is to notice it. A lot of the time the “you look ugly” whispers as you walk by a reflective surface are so subconscious you can’t even place your finger on the negativity’s source. I’m sorry to say, it’s coming from within, babe.
Now that you’ve identified it, instead of sPeAkINg NiCeLy to yourself, how about an even subtler shift towards curiosity. For example, take this excerpt from this morning’s inner dialogue.
Debbie: Ew.
Me: Ok, HEYYYY. Whoa. What is up girl, how are you?
It’s quite disarming to question the authority of the inner critic. Once you start to engage her (or him, or them, invisible bullies know no gender) in dialogue, they become a lot less powerful and in turn, much quieter. It also makes the whole experience a lot more fun.
If nothing matters, then nothing matters!
Erasing any amount of underlying nihilism is a tall order. But, with the right amount of medications and a good Talking Heads playlist, you can shift the “nothing matters” (negative) thoughts into “nothing matters” thoughts (affirmative). Kidding, sort of.
Here is where I will bravely credit my teenage brother for introducing me to absurdism. For my Camus-curious, you can think of absurdism as a variation of nihilism sans doom. Forgive the gross oversimplification but the general vibe of absurdism is “life is crazy and weird and it doesn’t make sense so you might as well LIVE IT UP, people!” I’m into it.
Add 10% more delusion
Again, our sense of self is deeply intertwined to the way we perceive others. My greatest skill in life is perhaps self-deprecation, so it takes a lot to manage the imposter syndrome that, as the kids say, lives in my head rent free.
The best way to shut down overwhelming self-doubt is to cut through it with pure delusion. Plus, if you adopt an absurdist mindset like I’ve instructed you, cough cough, this shouldn’t be that hard. Here’s what I mean:
You’re thinking: “I’m not smart / good / important enough to get that promotion”
Instead: “I can get that promotion, no problem.”
Even if you don’t necessarily believe it at first, you have to keep training your brain to think that way. Beliefs are a collection of thought patterns, so keep forging away at those neural pathways.2
This all being said, if you ever hear me refer to myself as “delulu,” lock me up.
Do something
Gandhi is a literal freak, but he really did something with the whole “be the change you wish to see in the world” thing. Stop thinking about yourself and do something to make the world better. Self-esteem comes from esteemable acts.
Some resources to get started:
Do the Deepak Chopra meditation challenge. Just do it.
A little mantra action never hurt anyone, but it does require you to lean all the way in.
Like I said, the world would be a better place if everyone journaled. I look to
of AllSwell Creative for her expertise on the matter.This book blew my mind, just as
told me it would. I recommend listening to the audio version because it feels like 10 hours of free therapy (in a good way).
Last thing while I still have my corny warning in effect:
Community is an essential piece in this mental wellness puzzle, as we know. I’m very grateful that you’re here, and I always love to hear your perspective. You know where to find me. :)
There are some caveats, the main one being free will. That can really throw a wrench in things.
Another caveat, as long as they’re not hurting anyone. Benito + MaryBeth would agree.
really encouraged by that last point about just doing something. so much of my anxiety comes from inaction, and the brain juice I get from doing stuff is unmatched!
I saw a quote once that said “curiosity is a path, judgement is a wall” and that always stuck with me (to add to your point on curiosity)