The Great Mocktail Showdown

A definitive guide to non-alcoholic apéritifs

As some of you may know, I don’t drink. It was about three years ago when I stopped trying to convince myself that I *actually* enjoyed the taste of a ‘light-bodied red.’ Still no idea what that means.

My alcoholic abstinence, combined with the fact that I do marketing for wellness brands for a living, makes me the victim of an illegal amount of targeted ads, all of which seem to use a variation of the phrase “booze-free buzz.” No shade to the copywriters out there, I feel for you. NA beverages are probably the most challenging brands to position and communicate to a consumer. They have to compete with their alcoholic counterparts, as well as the sodas and seltzers of the world, to attract customers to a relatively new category rife with inconsistencies. Now throw in a “functional benefit” and you’ve made the job 10x harder. Insert world’s tiniest violin.

And yet, so many of these drinks are gross. Especially the ones meant to mimic the taste of alcohol, which I cannot comprehend. If you want a non-alcoholic Strawberry Daquiri so much, why don’t you just order it without the alcohol? Why must you sub in another foul-tasting processed liquid? I fear I just revealed how little I know about drinking culture by making a Strawberry Daquiri my example. I digress.

Innovation in the non-alc space is a net-positive for its role in normalizing and encouraging healthier behaviors. Plus, this sober-curious movement seems to have legs. These days, it’s pretty hard to find a bar or restaurant in NYC without a “spirit-free refreshments” section of the menu.

(Side note: everything about the less-to-no alcohol movement is embarrassing, including the word “movement” itself. I don’t subscribe to any of these labels, which is coincidentally also an embarrassing thing to say.)

Ok, I need to keep it moving. The point of all this is that I’m often asked which “mocktail” is my favorite. I’ve put in my reps at housewarming parties and bad dates and networking hours, and now, I have opinions. Here you go.

What is a “mocktail”?

God, I hate this word. Whoever invented it did not consider for one single second how humiliating it would be to actually order a mocktail in public.

To me, a mocktail is a non-alcoholic beverage that is meant to be enjoyed in settings where alcohol otherwise would be. It’s not a wine, beer, or liquor alternative; it’s a complete beverage that doesn’t require additional ingredients, although, it may play well with them. It’s not a soda, but it’s also not not a soda?

Sometimes a mocktail will have adaptogens to offer a naturally mood-altering effect. None of those words are in the Bible. My take: you don’t have to do everything in one drink. It’s too much to communicate as a marketer, and it’s too much to absorb as a consumer. Respect for adaptogen visibility, though.

What makes for a good one?

This is obviously very subjective, but there are a few key factors that make for a great non-alc experience.

1. Flavor — Well, duh. But it’s a little more nuanced than does drink taste good or bad (caveman voice). Does it taste too similar to alcohol? Is it too sweet? Is there a faint dirt-like flavor? All of these are common pitfalls that should be accounted for.

2. Price — Here’s the deal on price. It’s a tricky thing to judge since it’s so inconsistent for the same product across retailers. I’m going to give you the DTC unit cost for the purposes of this comparison, but I recognize that very few of us are going to purchase canned anything via e-commerce, with the exception of Amaz*n.

3. Nutrition Stats — I like stats, not facts, because I’m not going to go into the % DV of potassium you’ll be getting from a fizzy fake cocktail. I don’t think that’s what you’re buying a Ghia for. Because alcohol, or non-alcohol for that matter, is an addition to whatever nourishment I’m already getting, my personal preference is for this beverage to be as low cal, low sugar as possible without tasting like ass.

The Key Players

I am simultaneously heart-warmed and jaded by the number of non-alcoholic beverage options that line the shelves of my local wellness-forward shoppy shop. For logistic reasons (read: I got overwhelmed), I’ve had to narrow this list down to the eight I see most often:

First we have Parch who makes “agave spirits” infused with adaptogens.

There’s Figlia, the sleek NYC-based brand with only two SKUs.

You’ve probably heard of Kin Euphorics, the trippy-ish bev brand that’s half-siblings with Orébella.

You know her, you love her. Miss Ghia and her Spritzes.

Another celebrity brand, De Soi is an adaptogenic apéritif from Katy Perry.

We have Avec, who makes drinks for mixing with spirits or sipping solo.

Aplós is a beverage brand with a beautiful color palette.

And finally, we have Cann and their weed-spiked seltzer.

Like I said, there are only so many miscellaneous canned drinks a girl can consume for a Substack newsletter (I can’t deal with myself) so if I missed a big one, I’m all ears. Oh, and brace yourselves: I’m a tough critic.

Parch

I hope I didn’t hex myself by putting it in the Ghia glass

The name is great. The flavor… not so much. The hyper-sweetness of fake sugar and palpable woodiness of adaptogens are a combination of flavors I’m okay with skipping. Honestly, I was surprised by my distaste with this one because I happen to know a lot of my non-drinking friends opt for Parch. Perhaps Spiced Piñarita is just not my girl.

Price: $4.25 / can

Quick Stats: 70 calories, 12 grams of added sugars from blue agave nectar

Adaptogens: Ginseng, L-Theanine, Ashwagandha

Rating: ⭐️⭐️/5

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Figlia

Figlia would be such a beautiful name for a girl

We’re all judging books by their covers, or in my case, canned mocktails by their labels. I’ve adored Figlia’s branding for quite a while now; it strikes the almost-impossible balance of minimal and fun that I can’t help but gravitate towards.

I just heard Kat Collings on the WWW podcast say something to the effect of our satisfaction with a product is at its peak the moment before we purchase. Obviously this was in the context of clothing, but it holds true for the beauty and CPG products I too covet from afar. Bearing that in mind, you’ll understand how nervous I was to try Figlia’s Fiore Frizzante Spritz, fearful it wouldn’t match its beautiful branding.

Good news team: it’s delicious. I believe it’s meant to be more of a summery spritz (effervescence, ginger, lemon are all clues), but I actually think it’s a great pick for winter. The clove and chamomile give it an element of coziness, without being too heavy or too sweet. It’s also a tiny team and Lily, the founder, is wonderful, which is always nice to know as a consumer.

Price: $6 / can

Quick Stats: 45 calories, 0 grams of added sugars

Adaptogens: N/A

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.75/5

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Kin Euphorics

To me, Kin feels like the OG non-alcoholic beverage, but upon further consideration, I actually think it would do better in a league of its own. I appreciate how up-front they are with the adaptogenic benefits (tacking Euphorics onto the name is a great move), and I think they’re better as an adaptogenic beverage than an alcohol alternative due to their alleged benefits (energy, immunity) and caffeine content.

I’d position it as an alternative to, say, the Poppis of the world, but I should stop giving marketing advice for free. There are a few decaf options, and the only one I could find IRL was Lightwave.

I wanted to like it, I did. But I didn’t. It’s crisp and on first taste, somewhat refreshing. But then the licorice notes kick in, and I have to bow out.

I unfortunately didn’t get far enough to feel a benefit, but if you REALLY want me to, I’ll power through.

Price: $4.88 / can

Quick Stats: 25 calories, 3 grams of sugar

I know I said I wouldn’t do nutrition facts, but I give props to Kin because their drinks have a relatively substantial nutritional value: this one has 5 mg (294% DV) of vitamin B6 and 241 mcg (70% DV) of folate.

Adaptogens: Reishi Mushroom, L-Theanine, L-Tryptophan

Rating: ⭐️⭐️.5/5

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Ghia

masterclass in branding

Ghia is my girl — we know this. I previously reviewed their brand strategy and Spritzes, so I’ll refer you back to my prior self’s thoughts on the matter:

I’ll go so far as to say that Ghia is the best non-alcoholic drink that I’ve tried thus far, and while I won’t name any names, I can assure you that I’ve tried a lot. The flavors, which all taste fairly similar IMO, have just the right amount of earthiness without veering into astringent territory. It’s sippable, an important distinction from chuggable, which makes it a great 1:1 swap for a cocktail that you want to hang onto at an event. I’ll give you the full flavor analysis for good measure:

• Ghia Soda: their classic flavor. Fresh and a touch bitter.

• Ghia Ginger: nearly the same as the above, but with a teeny Moscow Mule touch.

• Lime & Salt: easily my favorite, it’s the brightest and most refreshing.

• Sumac & Chili: again, pretty similar to the others, but with a bit of smokiness and a kick at the end.

0% Alcohol, 100% Spirit

That’s all I have to say on that.

Price: $5 / can

Quick Stats: 60 calories, 0 grams of added sugar

Adaptogens: N/A

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

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De Soi

drinkdesoi

A post shared by @drinkdesoi

Full disclosure: I used to work with De Soi on their social a while ago, so that being said, I’m pretty familiar with their original flavors up until Très Rosé.

Golden Hour is the standout of the bunch: it’s a classic citrusy-gingery flavor profile with hints of crisp pear. It’s also come to my attention that there are 1.5 servings per container which I find intriguing, so bear that in mind with the per-can stats.

Price: $5 / can

Quick Stats: 50 calories, 1 gram of added sugar from maple syrup + natural flavors

Adaptogens: Reishi Mushroom, Lion's Mane, L-Theanine

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

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Avec

you can tell that it’s thick, right?

This one tastes like what I would imagine a can of passionfruit juice would taste like. It’s super sweet and the flavor is very concentrated.

I don’t need to drink this again by itself, but I could see it being great when mixed with a sparkling water and perhaps a sprig of mint, which is, I suppose, exactly what they were going for. Hence the name Avec.

Price: $3 / can

Quick Stats: 35 calories, 4 grams of added sugar from agave

Adaptogens: N/A

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

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Aplós

WFH perks

On first glance, this one looks very classy to me — too classy to refer to itself as a mocktail. I must be getting pretty good at this, because come to find out, I was right. “Cocktail” is clearly written on the can, which I clearly didn’t do a good job of reading, because I also didn’t realize it had hemp in it until I was a few sips in.

I really like this one, and it’s the most unique of all the NA bevs. The Ume flavor is sophisticatedly fruity — someone should use that for their Grindr profile. Would repurchase and will be trying the other flavors. ✔️

Price: $5.5 / can

Quick Stats: 30 calories, 0 grams of added sugar

Adaptogens: 20mg Broad-Spectrum Hemp

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5/5

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Cann

Why not hi girl? Sounds like a conversation we’re not ready to have

I’m slightly terrified of this brand simply from this line of copy alone

plus I’m not much of a weed-user (narc alert). Nevertheless, she persisted. I swung by my local Pop Up Grocer to get myself a Cann, and you better believe I felt like a character in a Portlandia episode while doing so.

This tastes great. I love the blood orange cardamom combo as a nod to fall. It’s not too sweet, which I find a bit concerning given the 12 grams of total sugar in a “hi boy” can. I’m going to plead the fifth on the “social tonic” of it all, though.

Price: $9 / can (yeesh!)

Quick Stats: 50 calories, 9 grams of added sugar from agave

Adaptogens: 5mg THC, 10mg CBD

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️.5/5

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The Big Takeaways:

• If you want a tried-and-true crowd-pleaser, you’re safe with any flavor of Ghia.

• For a more complex flavor profile, Aplós’s Ume Spritz is a winner.

• If you want a cozy winter-ish drink without it feeling too heavy, Figlia’s got it.

• For a mocktail mixer (key word), you’ll have the most luck with Avec.

Let the record show: I still prefer a nice bottle of Mountain Valley Spring Water over anything else.

OTGhia

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